“Why?” I whispered through my post-cry breaths.
A question that I was not even sure she had the answer to. A question that I had become much too comfortable with asking.
The question that surrounds my emotions with the death of my mom. The question that surrounds my anger and frustration around my feelings for Noah. The question that spins me into states of panic, and spins me into states of joy. This three letter word seeming so small, but holds the power of a thousand words.
Her head dropped down, and I think she knew just as much the answer to that question as I did.
Talya was never one to break. She was strong. And in her moments of weakness, she resorted to friends and family to help pick her back up. Never would I have expected her to resort to taking her own life to end her pain – regardless of the amount.
We talked about this! We had so many conversations about depression, anxiety, and suicide. We both were in agreement on the fact that life could never be so bad that we would want to take ourselves out of the equation. Emotionally, sure. We have both been so overwhelmed that we emotionally checked out. But physically take yourself out? That’s just not us, especially not Talya.
Talya has a lot of insecurities, but who doesn’t? Over the years I have gotten good at affirming her in the areas she sees herself in lack, but I almost feel responsible for her actions, her attempt.
Did I not say enough? Did I say too much? Did I not do enough? Did I do too much?
Should I have done something different to avoid this? Should I have been more proactive in my assurance of her and her emotions?
What if it worked? What if she wasn’t sitting next to me with life in her lungs right now? What would I have done?
What if this is my fault? Just like it was with my mom.
Suddenly this scene felt all too familiar, and I begin to shut-off internally.
“Stay strong, you got this,” I mentally convinced myself. “You are here for her, not for you.”
I snapped back into the moment and when I looked up at Talya, her eyes were glazed with tears held back. They were ready to fall, but she knew if she let that happen it might fuel another mind spiral in my head — she knows me too well, and apparently, I cannot say the same about her.
Excerpt from To Whom It May Concern